Klean Slate at 31

A Spoon Full of Sugar or Xanex Works too.

2011-05-13T15:08:00.000-07:00

This life thing throws curve balls every now and then and I'm not really that great when I'm up at bat, I'm more of a left fielder. Let's be honest I suck at pretty much any sport and sometimes it feels like I suck at life too. Today happens to be one of those days I want to crawl into a hole and hibernate for the duration. Unfortunately humans don't hibernate and that really isn't the answer anyway. I don't want to sound pathetic and bitter, I know this will wear off sooner rather than later. I can't really figure out what brought on the funk other than a bad dream and that mystical thing referred to as PMS (which in my opinion stands for Pretty Much Sucks).
I think I could take a quote from the good ol' Chairman of the Board when he says:

That's life, that's what all the people say.
You're riding high in April,
Shot down in May
But I know I'm gonna change that tune,
When I'm back on top, back on top in June.

I said that's life, and as funny as it may seem
Some people get their kicks,
Stompin' on a dream
But I don't let it, let it get me down,
'Cause this fine ol' world it keeps spinning around

Thanks Frank those are wise words.

Gratitude and other things

2010-11-25T12:07:00.000-08:00

It's been a while since I wrote anything of substance on here so what better day to reflect on the past year and ponder on what I have to be grateful for than Thanksgiving.
What a year. I could leave it at that and let everyone make their own assumptions on what that means but I'll save you all the time and fill you in a bit.
I got a new job at Western Governors University in June when I wasn't even looking for one and it's turned out to be a great blessing. I like who I work with and my pay increased and come January I'll have the opportunity to start in their MBA program, because I'm an employee I'll receive a 75% reduction in tuition. WGU is a non-profit online university that extends the reach of higher learning to rural areas and other under served populations. Check it out at WGU.edu. Anywho, I like my job and at some point, hopefully sooner rather than later, I'll have the opportunity for advancement.
I'm still living with the parents and working on an exit plan for sometime in 2011. I love them and am grateful for the place to live but I want to be on my own again, well not completely on my own I have Bunsen. I came close to buying a home in West Jordan but I pulled the plug when the lending company had me jumping through hoops and bending over backwards to prove that I'm a responsible adult. That gave me time to think about all the repairs that needed to be done and realize I'm only one person and it would cost too much time and money to make it livable. So I'm in the process of looking and waiting for the perfect property that calls out to me.
It's been a little more than a year and a half since my divorce and I've finally come to the place where I have peace in my heart and mind about the whole mess. I look back on the marriage now and know that I learned a lot about myself and relationships. Most importantly I've learned that I'm enough. Just me. What a concept. I'm enough just the way I am. No man necessary. I've learned that I don't need to compromise on what's important to me. There's a reason those things are important.
I'm not angry anymore about what happened. I had the chance to do some soul searching and I'm rebuilding my life one brick at a time. I'm happy and the best is yet to come.
This year I've also had the chance to grow closer to my sister Leslie. She's figuring out her life as a single mom and learning as she goes. I admire her for her faith and dedication. It's never easy when life throws you a curve ball that knocks you on your ass while you're trying to swing at it. I know she'll come out of this with a stronger faith and determination to be the example her kiddos need her to be. LOVE YOU LES!
So that's my life for the most part. I'm happy and I'm glad I can say that. I think that's what I'm most grateful for, well that and my family that helped me to get there. I'm blessed with amazing sisters in Kirsten and Leslie and wonderful nieces and nephews that remind me that life is simple and happiness can be found in a pipe cleaner or a silly band. I guess my parents have a bit to do with it too :) . They have been beyond patient with me and their unconditional love is a model I look to someday be able to emulate.
There was a couple in my parents ward that has shown me what selflessness in a marriage looks like and reminded me at a time when I needed reminding that love is out there and everyone deserves a soul mate. He served his wife whose sight and faculties had left her. He held her hand reassured her when she didn't know where she was. He fed and clothed her. He did everything for his sweetheart Mrs. Pretty. And though who she had been years ago had vanished through the dense fog of dementia his love and dedication to her was as constant at the sun, moon and stars. His sweetheart passed away a few weeks ago but their love goes on and will forever. Everyone who knew them is blessed by seeing their example of Christlike love and service. I want to have that and because of them and my grandparents and parents I know it's possible.
Don't forget to remember to love life. There's always something to be grateful for. Even in the midst of utter crap think about how it's fertilizing you and at some point after all the stink of it wears off you'll come out stronger healthier and more beautiful. Allow the master to refine. I love my family, I love my friends, I love my Savior. Happy Thanksgiving all!

Ich kan Euch nicht leiden!

2010-11-23T08:55:00.000-08:00

I don't suffer fools gladly. That's all.

To catch ya up...

2010-02-12T15:59:00.000-08:00

So I went to Berlin in November for 2 weeks to celebrate the 20th anniversary of the fall of the Berlin wall.... Ya it's been 20 years already. The celebration was great and the crowd was huge. Unfortunately the weather left much to be desired. It rained the whole time but it was great to see the world leaders that were there. Among them were Mickael Gorbechev, that French Dude Sarkose, Angela Merkel, Hillary Clinton (I'm using the term world leader loosely as you can see). It was also a treat to hear Placido Domingo sing "Berliner Luft" and Bon Jovi rock out to "We weren't born to follow".
The city has changed so much since I was last there (pictures to added soon). I just love that city! I was able to visit with dear friends and renew contacts and have a few scoops of the famous Florida Eis. It was soooo worth the calories!
Well that's it for now I'll add more tomorrow.
xoxo

What you've all been waiting for........

2009-09-08T15:16:00.001-07:00

I got a job offer at the University of Utah Orthopedic Center. It's pending a background check and drug test but they want me to start on Monday the 14th. It's part time (30 hours a week) but still benefited so I get to stop paying $300 a month on crappy Cobra insurance. Hopefully there will be an opportunity to go full time in the future.

Seriously, no really, Seriously?!!!

2009-08-24T12:35:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I think my lif is really a comedy of errors. I joined e-Harmony a while back to try and get back into the dating thing. I don't really know how to meet people since I'm in a family ward and I tend to lead the lifestyle of a hermit right now. So e-Harmony does the matching for you. They pride themselfs on matching people who are "compatible on a deeper level". So I've gotten some matches that look like trolls or who are hunting and fishing freaks (anyone who knows me well enough would know that's not my thing) so I've not bothered to communicate with those ones. But I would have to say that the best worst match that I've received so far was one I got today. Wait for it. Wait for it...... It was my ex-husband. Ya we were mached on a deeper level. B.S. He said on his profile that he never drinks. Well unless he's changed his ways (which I doubt, this leopard could never change his spots) that is a total lie. He also says that the first thing people notice about him is his personality. I had to laugh out loud to this one. All of my friends that met him only noticed his lack of personality, that and how disrespectful he was to me. That brings me to the next lie he told. He said that another thing he wanted people to know was that he likes to be friends with everyone, well everyone but the person he's currently involved with. That person he'll just ignore and decide to be best friends with another woman. Oh and his profile picture is a picture of our first Christmas together with me cropped out of it.

Really, I do see the humor in all of this but when will it stop?!

My upcoming trip

2009-08-21T14:33:00.000-07:00

I am SOOOOOO freaking excited. I just bought my ticket to Berlin. I have been planning for a wile that I have to be there for the 20th anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall since I was there for the 10th. I was able to save enough money thanks to the meagre 401k that I had from my last job to get my tickets on Tuesday. I also got exit rows for all but one leg of the trip. It looks like every thing's coming up roses for me from now on :) . That's the spirit right!? Seriously though, I love to travel and I love my friends in Berlin and it's been 6 years since I've seen them and I can barely contain my excitement. I had a dream about running to the terminal gates last night. I figure I'll be having those dreams until I leave for the trip. I'll also be celebrating my birthday there since I'll be getting in on the 2nd and my 32nd is on the 3rd. I can't think of a better way to spend my birthday after the year I've had so far. Don't get me wrong, my family has been a huge support with everything and I thank them for it, but this gives me something really positive to look forward to.

For those of you who are keeping track, I did have an interview yesterday and I think it went well. The lady said she would be in touch next week so everyone keep their fingers crossed!

You know that feeling?

2009-08-18T17:30:00.000-07:00

You know that feeling when people tell you that there's something better to come? You even believe it yourself and hope for a brighter day sometime sooner rather than later. Well that's me now. I've literally applied for over 300 jobs and I got bubkis. I'm trying to keep from getting discouraged. I keep thinking I haven't knocked down the right door yet, I'm also thinking that the Reserves are looking better and better now. I'll avoid that as long as I can. Who knows, maybe Obama will pay for me to get my Masters degree?

On a side note, when I get my Masters I will make people call me Master Kammie just for kicks.

So in the mean time I'm getting in touch with my feelings by blogging (in case anyone is keeping track, I have feelings -- Oh boy!). So one of my favorite people in the world gave a talk on hope in one of the last General Confrences. In the talk Dieter Uchtdorf said "Never give in. Never surrender. Never allow despair to overcome your spirit! I'm making that my personal mantra.

This is my personal take on that. I'm nowhere nearly as qualified to speak on the subject as he is but here goes anyway:

My spirit was created by and in the image of God. I am his daughter. I am heir to all the father has. In God and through Christ I find infinite HOPE. My spirit is devine. To despair is to give in. It is to deny me of my inherent nobility, my birthright. To despair would allow the fallen one, even Satan to rob me of my light. To give in is to surrender my spirit and body to the temptations of the devil. I am a daughter of God. I acknoledge him as my father and Christ as my older brother and redeemer. By and through them worlds were created. By and through them I was created to become as they are. Remember this above all! I am of infinite worth.
So hang in there!

Arg, Grrr, Humpf, etc.

2009-08-18T17:19:00.000-07:00

What people say to me:

How I feel:

Sister Social

2009-08-16T10:33:00.000-07:00

I had a great time last night hanging out with old mission friends. I can't believe 9 years has gone by since I got home. I was so good to see everyone with their adorable kids and to hear what they are doing with their lives right now. Thank you so much Emma for putting everything together. It showed that you put a lot of work and thought into it. Fun was had by all!

Blah, blah, blah

2009-08-07T23:50:00.000-07:00

To err is human, to forgive is divine.

I'm not yet known as the divine Miss Kam but I'm working on it.

On a lighter note

2009-08-05T17:00:00.000-07:00

I got this email from a friend a while ago. I'm sure some of you have seen it. Well I had my own response. Hope you get a laugh.

INSTALLING A HUSBAND

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate.

DEAR DESPERATE,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 ;program.These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7..

Worst case scenario from user of Husband 1.0: How I uninstalled

Nagging 5.3 corrupted the hard drive causing considerable shrinkage of memory to the point of non-functioning (if you know what I mean). Lingerie 7.7 and 3.0 failed miserably due to the Mother-in-law virus that was encrypted upon production of my particular model of Husband 1.0

When tech support was called they suggested we experiment with beta software Counseling 0.8. Upon trial of that program all memory shut down and the system lost power. Rebooting attempted several times by fiddling with the main drivers but to no avail. Upon observation that this particular version of Husband 1.0 was useless I sent it back to the factory demanding a refund.

None too pleased!

2009-08-05T13:14:00.000-07:00

So I got a letter in the mail the other day saying that Experian sent some information to one of my credit card holders and they decided to close my account because

The total available credit on satisfactory bankards it too low

Balance on one or more bankcards is currently over the credit limit

Bankcard balance grew too fast compared to credit limit and time on file

This is freakin' rediculous. None of this is true. I unlike my screw-ball lazy ex take care of my credit and make all of my payments on time. This so doesn't apply to any of the accounts I agreed to take over in the divorce. What the CRAP! So I get the shaft in the divorce and now the numb nuts is ruining my credit.

All this after finding him hiding behind a door in another womans house when her husband wasn't home on the same day of my aunts funeral when I could use some consoling from him he's over at some dirty things house doing God know's what. Seriously, I mean Seriously?! So I smacked him, hey he even said he deserved it. My only regret is that I didn't do it closed fisted. He also text messaged this tramp over 250 times in the course of 5 days most of them in the middle of the night when he told me he couldn't sleep and the rest of them when they were at work together. That tells me one thing and that is that they were saying things that couldn't be said out loud in front of their co-workers.

And who in their right mind takes someone elses wife to a bar when they're both still married. Does anyone else but me think this is totally inappropriate?! They ended up showing up together at the same piano bar that I was at to blow some steam off with some of my girlfriends. Their sad excuse is that she had a fight with her husband at a restaraunt downtown and she called the only person she knew who could pick her up... not her home teacher, not the releif society president, not her visiting teaching partner but my loser husband after the bishop had advised them both to stay away from eachother. Well good thing she and her husband "worked things out" now that she's pregnant. Can you say "Paternity Test"!

I was going to let this go without mention but I think it's worth it. I mean how juicy is that?! These people are sick.

Let me make one thing perfecty clear. I am not trying to make friends with any of my ex's family with this blog! It's better off if none of you read it because at this point in time I have nothing nice to say about any of you!

I keep thinking Blunder (the name has been changed to protect the guilty) will pull his head out and do what is right and what he has told me he would do, but no go. I should have caught on that he wasn't a man of his word. Hell he's barely a man. I know this is the ranting of an angry woman but I think I sure as hell have the right to be.

I tell you forgiveness is hard. Every time I think I'm making a move in the right direction, something else happens that fires me up. At some point in time I will be able to rise above this and see why having to start over again at 31 is a blessing but right now I'm not seeing it. But I keep going.

I know I'll probably have to repent for posting this and it's probably only going to be featured for a limited amount of time before my consience gets to me (see Blunder some of us have them) and I pull it down but for now I'm letting the unbridaled rage speak.

The thing that really burns me in all of this is all the lies. I'm a pretty honest person even when people don't want to hear it. And the fact that he lied to me for about 6 months about loving me just chaps my hide. At least cut me loose so I can find a better man. He wasted my time and ruined my credit in the process. I still would have been hurt had he done it earlier but I wouldn't have ended up being the primary signer on his brand new car and I wouldn't have ended up with the debt from his $2300 road bike that I put on my credit card that I'm still paying on that he gets to keep. He thought he was doing me a favor by "trying to make it to two years". From my end it only looks like he was doing himself the favors by making sure he had everything he wanted before he ditched me. Oh well it should be punishment enough just being him.

Oi!

2009-08-01T20:07:00.000-07:00

So what a week of waiting! I've interviewed with the U for an administrative job 3 times and I'm just waiting to hear back from them. It's nerve wracking! I'm continuing to persevere on the job hunt. I am getting very tired of having people ask how the job hunt is going. I should start telling them "Well yesterday I caught a pheasant and I'm lookin' to get a boar today". I know people are asking out of concern but I swear when I get a job I will post it on my Facebook, my blog, and I will get up and bare my testimony about it and I think that will cover all the bases.

Anywhooo. On another note, Bunsen got another summer haircut and he looks so stinkin' cute. I think it helps him from getting so hot. It's fun to see how much my dad has taken to him. He talks to him all the time and he even lets him sit next to him on the couch. But my favorite is when my dad throws h im cold cuts and gets so amused when Bunsen catches them in mid air. He's getting pretty good at it. A neighbor came by earlier this week and tried to teach him how to shake hands (Bunsen not my dad). It was cute. He's kind of got the idea but I think mostly he just want's to lick the person's hand. I think I got the best thing out of my short lived marriage (if you can call it that) when I got my sweet dog. He's good at keeping my feet warm. I used to not like dogs but when I got him I fell in love. He is the best and has such a sweet disposition! And no He's not spoiled!

This is like Crack, SERIOUSLY!

2009-07-28T14:10:00.000-07:00

I've seen blogs before but I never thought I would have one. To me it was too much like scrap booking and I didn't want to be sucked into that world. Well I'm sucked. I love this! It's better than Facebook.

I left my old job in March because my ex was working there with a woman that was more important than me. He got her the job and coached her on what to say in the interview and then he ended up training her. They ended up having so much in common that they wanted to hang out outside of work. That's when the proverbial $h*@ hit the fan. She has 2 kids and a husband that didn't care what she did and She or my ex didn't respect me enough to care about what was appropriate and what wasn't. So I left a job with coworkers and people that I loved and I've been looking for a job ever since. I've never been out of work for over a month so this has been hard for me. It's been a big blessing though because I've had time to process things and figure out ways to make myself useful to my folks.

I mowed the lawn today. I found out that the distance I walk when I mow is close to a mile. Pretty cool. So I know I walk at least a mile a week. I'm so glad that I've been able to be outdoors so much this summer. It's great. I actually like pulling weeds now, go figure. It's so therapeutic. I've also planted flowers and I'm tending a garden. Eating food that you grow is very rewarding. We have zucchinis coming out of our ears. I think I'll make some bread and enjoy the fruits and vegetables of my labor.

Today I ate a Pint of Ben and Jerry's ice cream

2009-07-27T20:21:00.000-07:00

It was Stephen Colbert's "Americone Dream" and it was delicious!

Anyone who has been divorced will tell you that you will have your good days and your bad ones. Today wasn't necessarily bad I just needed ice cream in a bad way. I guess it was comfort eating. Not being employed gives me a lot to think about. I've thought about going back to school, I've thought about joining the Air Force, I've thought about becoming an exotic dancer (not really I haven't taken the pole dancing class yet), but mostly I've thought about how my marriage began and how it ended.

It all happened very fast. We met, fell in love and were married 4 months later. I know, crazy fast but when you're in love even 4 months feels like forever.

Soon after we were married we discovered the matrimonial road was a bumpy one. He discovered I had a temper and I discovered he was emotionally retarded (to say the least). I was also guilty of not being the best house keeper and the occasional reminding (he called it nagging), and I didn't cook gourmet meals 3 times a day like his mom. It's a tough expectation to live up to when his mummy was pampering him his entire life So we had some rough patches. I kept hearing from people that the first year was the hardest so I thought that after the 12 months things would get better and we would understand each other perfectly. After 13 months we decided to go to counseling because he felt I was angry and violent.

I did some research on counselors and because I didn't think he would be willing to fit counseling into the budget we went to trainee counselors who weren't yet certified or even married. Regardless of that I shared and I shared and I shared. I don't have any problems at all talking about how I feel. But I do have a problem when I know something is wrong and my spouse won't open up to me. I was an open book and he was a vault. That combination can never work.

One of my hurtles in the marriage was that I didn't think I was a priority in my husband's life. He seemed to put everyone before me, his brother, his sister, his work, his reading materials, his TV shows, his hobbies and even another woman he claimed was his "best friend". He told me I was just insecure and needy. Call me crazy, many already have, but I didn't think asking my husband to go on a walk with me every now and again or giving me a card on my birthday, for V Day or anniversary's was too much to ask. Apparently it was. I'm too demanding. I was also too puffy, he wasn't attracted to me anymore. There's more to that but it's rated R.

I tried everything I thought I could do but I just couldn't get through to him. We couldn't get through to each other. I came to find out that he had been holding grudged against me. For me some of the stupid things he did just became endearing. But everything I did that was remotely unacceptable to him was a strike against me. In the end we went our nine innings and he threw a perfect game and I struck out.

Learning as I go

2009-07-26T21:08:00.000-07:00

So I'm kind of new to this whole blogging thing. I figured I would try it out as an outlet to vent some frustration. To know what the frustration is about you would have to know my story. I'll start off slow and see how much I can type before the Zanex kicks in and I'm fast asleep.

I'm the youngest of five kids in an amazing yet marginally dysfunctional family. I grew up in California and was raised in a strong LDS home. Admittedly, like many good Mormon girls I felt it was my duty to get married at the soonest legal age and start poppin' them out like crazy and build a little Eutopia of my own with a loving, doteing husband who would bring home the bacon while I reared the kids and made sure they were upstanding God-fearing minions.

The years ticked by. 18, nothing. 19, dry spell. 20, boyfriend but non-committal (typical man). 21, since by Mormon standards I'm verging on old maid I decided to go on a mission and do something positive with my time since I wasn't procreating.

I served a wonderful mission in Berlin, Germany and I loved every second of it, well most of it. I could have done without the pickled hering and pig stomach, seriously.

While I was in Berlin my parents moved to Utah. So by default I became a Utahn, Utard or whatever we are calling ourselvs now (inside I'll always be a California girl though).

So back from the mission I immediatley began my quest to scope out the perfect man. You know those lists that they make you write in Young Women's? POINTLESS, SHALLOW, and UNREALISTIC. That mission quickly became a desperate grab at anything that remotely piqued my intrests. Thinking about it now is truely laughable. I was in and out of shallow relationships faster that I could say shallow relationship. I thought that to have my beauty and worth validated I needed to have someone to be with. I was confused as to why all of my siblings were happily married and having wonderful beautiful kids and I wasn't. So I traveled, I spent money, I went to school, and I made out with random guys with no potential, and I bought shoes. Ladies, Freud hit it on the nose with that one. If you can't find the perfect man you can always find a perfect pair of shoes that look so fabulous and hurt so good in all the right places.

I went on to finish school at the University of Utah with a double major in International Studies and German. So after that I was in charge of the Frosty machine at Wendy's. No, not really, I went on to make a few less than desirable career moves and then ended up with a cute Condo in Holladay and a good job working for the University of Utah. I enjoyed my life but I still hadn't figured out that it was okay to be alone. I mean, I was 29 of course it's not okay to be alone. I was missing my prime child baring years.

I went on a singles cruise with my good friend and shortly after that I met THE ONE. He was the one alright, just the WRONG one but I had my head in the sand and my heart on my sleave. I didn't want to see it. He was smart, awkwardly cute, marginaly funny, and complementary. He said things to me I could never dream of a guy saying before. He told me I was beautiful and how he never loved anyone as much as me. He wanted to be with me all the time, and I him. I was in rapture! We decided to get married and I predicted nothing but blue skies from that point forward.

Stay tuned.... Much more to come